Expecting #2

So, I'm pregnant again!  I can't believe that it's been two months since I've last blogged.  There really isn't any excuse for it, just pure laziness.  So, let's recap what's been going on.

After lots of discussion, Drew and I did decide to do a transfer last year.  October 24, 2013 to be exact, one day before our five year anniversary.  At the end of the day, we just didn't really want to wait.  There was no guarantee that things would be easy and that there wouldn't be problems, so we figured that now (then) was just as good a time as any.  

We did have a few speed bumps along the way before we got to the actual transfer.  At one of my baseline ultrasounds, Dr. D was checking my uterus, tubes, and ovaries.  He saw some cysts on my ovaries, which I mentioned on another post, but then he also saw something in my fallopian tube.  He said that it might be a hydrosalpinx, which could cause some issues with a pregnancy.  He couldn't be certain without further testing.  After some discussion with Drew, and some more discussion with Dr. D, we decided to just leave it alone and pray for the best.  I started taking Estradiol and progesterone in oil injections and prepared for the transfer.

Drew, Annelise, and I all drove into the lab that we use in Chicago on October 24th.  When they called us back, the nurse informed me that children weren't allowed back in the room.  I was beyond angry.  No one ever told me that children weren't allowed, and I was always able to bring Annelise to any appointment that I had at my RE office.  So, Drew took Annelise outside to wait and I went back to the room by myself.  I sat there on the verge of tears the whole time.  I was so irritated that my husband wouldn't be able to be in the room when we transferred our embryo.  When the doctor came in to talk to me, she could see that I was upset and asked me what was wrong.  I told her everything and she really offered no sympathy.  Shortly before they were going to begin the procedure, the nurse came in and told me that she had looked for Drew because she was going to watch Annelise while Drew came back for the transfer, but she couldn't find him.  I later found out that he was near the parking garage letting Annelise play.  And, of course, I had awful reception in the room and could barely send or receive texts.  

Transfer went very well, my lining looked great, embryo was beautiful and was already hatching.  I spent the rest of the day at home resting.

I had my first beta on November 1st, and it was 88.9.  Officially pregnant!  Second beta was November 4th and had risen to 324!

Our first ultrasound was November 15th and we were able to see the beautiful flicker of the heartbeat.  Everything looked great!

I have felt wonderful this time around.  I've been nauseous some, but no puking!  I have been taking a Unisom every night before bed, and I really think that has helped my nausea.

Annelise will point to my belly and say "baby", and when we took her to my first ultrasound with my OB, as soon as Dr. M put the baby up on the screen, she pointed at it and said "baby".  Even now, every time she sees the ultrasound picture, she will say "baby".  I don't think she truly understands that there will be a new baby here in a few months.  But, I do think that she is going to absolutely love the new baby.  She is obsessed with babies.  I'm so excited to see her as a big sister.  I do have moments where I get a little sad knowing that my time with her as my only child is growing shorter and shorter.  I'm trying to soak up all the moments that I can, and Drew and I have some exciting trips planned for us to enjoy our last time as a family of three.

Ready To Go

A few weeks ago, I called my RE's office because I had a couple of questions about the blood work that I needed to have done.  I found out that my doctor was leaving and going to teach at a college and that a new doctor was taking over the practice.  This new doctor was already seeing patients.  I never would have known this had it not been for my call!  (Would anybody else have been a little irritated about that?)  During my conversation with the nurse, I found out that he (sometimes) has a different protocol for the way he does things.  This worried me some because I had already set up a plan of action with my old RE, and I was concerned that there would be things added or not needed.  So, I scheduled a consultation with this new doctor so that we could meet him and go over the course of action for my treatment.

Drew and I went and met with Dr. D a few weeks ago.  He's such a nice guy.  He seems very intelligent, down to earth, and he's been through IVF himself.  Most importantly, he didn't want to screw around with what worked last time for us to have a healthy pregnancy and baby.  Great news!

Dr. D did inform me that I would have to update my blood work and that it was mandated by the government for the lab that we use.  Ok, fine, even though I was about 99.9% positive that I didn't have any STDs, I went and got the blood work done.  I don't have any STDs, but I did find out that I'm anemic.  Lovely.  A week after that, I had an ultrasound done to check my uterus and ovaries.  Ute looked good, but ovaries had some cysts.  He said that they looked exactly like endometriomas, which he would expect because of my endometriosis.  He said that since he was fairly confident that was what they would, he wouldn't have any problem moving forward with a FET whenever we were ready.  He said that if I was concerned about the cysts, that he could do some testing and surgery to remove them.  I basically said, "No thanks!" and we moved on.

So, everything is all set to go for a Frozen Embryo Transfer whenever we decide to go ahead with it.  Drew and I are still trying to discuss when the best time would be.  We keep tossing around different dates and scenarios and trying to pick the best one.

I'm feeling very lonely this time around.  I feel like I had more of a support system the last time we cycled.  I know that a lot of it has to do with the fact that we aren't even really telling people that we're cycling again, but even the people that do know seem a little distant.

I'm terrified going into this.  I'm so worried about something going wrong.  We only have two snowbabies and if something goes wrong, we're out of luck.  Drew and I have already decided that we probably won't ever do a fresh IVF cycle again.  There is so much riding on the thaw and transfer.  I'm scared of the embryo not surviving the thaw, or not implanting.  I'm scared of miscarrying again.  It's been a long time since my body did the pregnancy thing.  What if it screws it up again?  I know that I really need to calm down and relax, but that is so hard to do.

Cycle Games

I had mentioned previously that Drew and I have decided that we are ready to expand our family again, and add another child.  If you remember, we still have two frozen embryos waiting patiently for us.  We started trying on our own right around Annelise's first birthday.  I knew that I didn't want to get pregnant before she was a year old, and I honestly wasn't even really ready to think about it until around then.  Plus, the nurse practitioner at my OB's office said that it was best to give my body a year of time to heal.  And, if we're continuing on all the reasons why I really wanted to wait, it was important to me to breastfeed for at least a year and I didn't want to compromise that by getting pregnant again.

I have been charting my cycles since the beginning of the year, and I am beyond frustrated with my body at this point.  I'm not going super crazy charting like I did when I first started charting back in 2010.  Then, I tracked my temperature, used OPKs, and tried to make a note of my CM.  This time, I'm keeping an eye on my CM, and if the mood strikes me, I'll occasionally test an OPK.  Some months get more OPK action than others.  Mainly, I'm frustrated with the length of each cycle.  I keep bouncing around from 26 days to 30 days to 36 days back to 28 days, and everything in between!

This cycle?  26 days!  I never even felt a cramp or like I was going to get my period at all.  It just showed up out of the blue, completely ruining the plans that I had to go to the beach.  Like all, "Hey, let me ruin your life one more time".

How the heck can I expect to make a baby, if I can't even make a semi-educated guess as to when I'm going to ovulate?  And with a 26 day cycle, something is seriously messed up in the ovulation department.  Either I'm ovulating super early, or my luteal phase is all sorts of messed up.  If it's my luteal phase, that leads to a whole other level of problems that need to be addressed.

I keep wondering if I should call my RE and talk to him about my super wonky cycles.  I had a consultation with him back in June about getting the ball rolling on our next frozen transfer.  He told me that since it's been more than 18 months since I've been there, we have to redo all of our initial blood work, and I have to have a Saline Infusion Sonogram (SIS) done.  That is done to check my uterus for any polyps, parts of placenta that might be leftover, or any other crap that may have surfaced since my last pregnancy that would be bad news for a new pregnancy.  I'm not stoked about having to do all of that over again, but I can't argue.  And, I'm pretty sure that if I call him and talk to him about my cycles, that he's just going to say that there's nothing he can do without doing blood work first.

Drew and I have a high deductible insurance plan, so rather than having to pay the deductible twice, assuming that the thaw and transfer is successful, we just planned on waiting until January to start all of the testing.  Hence, us trying on our own.  I really don't put my hopes too high on it, because it didn't work for us for the year and a half that we tried before doing IVF.  But, I still pray about it.  And, I guess that I'm lying when I say that I don't get my hopes up too high, because I still cry every month when my period arrives, just like before.  Ahhhh, nothing like infertility to make you feel broken and worthless.

But, there is a small bit of good news in all of this.  I have been relatively pain free since my periods have returned after giving birth.  I consistently take pain meds in the morning and before bed for the first couple of days, and I always have the heating pad close by in case I start to feel bad.  But, it has been managed very well, and I haven't felt too hindered by it.  I do notice that they are usually pretty heavy, and that's also related to the endometriosis.  It's definitely a relief to not have the pain that I used to experience.

National Infertility Awareness Week

This past week was National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).  I've been struggling with whether I wanted to write something about it or not.  You see, to most people, I have a child and therefore I've beaten infertility.  While that is correct, there is still a lot more to it.  I may have finally gotten my miracle in my snowbaby daughter, the big question now is, "What next?"

Drew has always said to me that he wants five children.  I don't know if he says that to make my eyeballs bug out of my head, or if he actually does want five kids.  But I do know that he would like more than one.  I always said that I wanted two or three children.  I understand that it's all up to God and He gets to decide how many children we are blessed with.  I would like to have more though.  So, the big question remains.  Am I still infertile?  Or am I now considered fertile since I have a child?

I think that the definition can vary for different people.  I was infertile because of my endometriosis.  There are many other reasons that a person can be infertile, and there is also unexplained infertility.  It's a very complicated matter!  I was told prior to getting pregnant that I had a good chance of my endometriosis going away, or at the very least stop growing while I was pregnant.  Unfortunately, my endo did not go away while I was pregnant.  Now that my periods have returned, I still have the same pain.  Bummer!  Since the pain has come back and I know that my endo is still there, the big question remains.  Will I ever be able to get pregnant on my own?

Frankly, I don't know.  Drew and I decided that we are going to give it a try.  We aren't in the position at this moment to do another frozen transfer, so we certainly aren't hurting anything by trying again.  I can tell you this though, all of those old infertile feelings of insecurity and pain have definitely resurfaced.  I think that once you struggle with infertility, it's something that stays with you for your entire life.  I will never forget all of the pain and tears and struggles of the long year and a half that we struggled to conceive.  To me, I don't think that I belong in the fertile category now.  I still have endometriosis, which put me in the infertile category.  I think that I won the battle at the time of infertility, but I still think that infertility is a war that is made up of a bunch of battles.  Infertiles battle with their own feelings of inadequacy every day.  While some may have their children, it's still not easy to see others achieve that dream so easily.

I was always very open with my infertility journey.  I wanted to be a voice for those struggling in silence.  Did you know that 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility?  Chances are someone you know has suffered or is suffering.  I will continue to be a voice for those who suffer.  Just because I may have a child, doesn't mean that I'm cured, or that I've forgotten where I was.

Meeting New Friends

During my infertility struggle, I joined a message board that dealt specifically with infertility.  After being a member of this board for quite a few months, a bunch of us girls decided to make a group on Facebook and get to know one another better.  We created a bond that is priceless.  It made something that is so incredibly difficult to go through, a little bit easier knowing that there were others that "got it".  They knew what to say, and more importantly, what NOT to say.  These girls even sent me an incredible care package when I went through the miscarriage.

One girl in the group actually grew up here in my town.  She lives about two hours from her now, but her family still lives here.  It is amazing what we have in common and shows just how "little" this world is.  Her daughter, Anya, was conceived through IVF and was a frozen transfer, just like Annelise.

Heather and I finally met each other and got our little girls together to play today.  We had such a great time visiting.  Anya and Annelise weren't too sure what to do with each other quite yet, but I'm sure that after a few more play dates that they'll be inseparable.

I'm looking forward to getting together again.  It's a bummer that it's starting to get cold here, but I definitely foresee many summer outings!

Coming Full Circle

Today was a day that I dreamed about for a long time!  Drew and I took Annelise to meet the RE who helped to make her possible.  There were so many days where I cried so many tears because I never thought that we would be blessed with a child.  It was amazing to see Dr. H with Annelise.

He was pretty excited to meet her too.  I just kept thinking how rewarding that must be for him.

It truly is such a dream to see everything come full circle.

I'll Never Forget

I just got home from dropping some lunch off for Drew and I saw the most blood-boiling thing on my way home.  I was stopped at a red light and a small red car pulled up next to me.  I heard a lot of noise coming from it, so I looked over.  In the car was a woman driving, a young boy sitting in the front seat, and four small children in the back seat.  The youngest was maybe three.

So, what's the big deal, you ask?  The youngest child, the maybe three year old, WAS NOT BUCKLED AT ALL!!!  No seat belt, and certainly no car seat.  Honestly, I really have no clue if any of the children in the backseat were bucked at all, but I'm fairly certain that at least two of them should have been in some sort of car seat.  The youngest caught my eye because she was crawling all around the backseat and trying to get into the front.

I try really, really hard not to judge parents, because everybody parents different.  But y'all, when I see a parent doing something that really shows that they don't give a rat's ass about the safety of their children, I judge.  And I judge hard.  It really took every ounce of strength in my body to not roll down my window even further and yell at that woman.

Seeing things like that, people who don't care enough about their children to provide them with a safe environment, is why I get so angry that I, and many other women, go through infertility.  I get so angry with myself, those careless people, and God that I had to spend thousands and thousands of dollars to get a child that I yearned to badly for, while those people reproduce like it's nothing.  While I'm sure they love their children, they don't understand the devastation of going through treatment after treatment and wondering if they will ever get to bring home a baby.  They don't understand the devastation of losing a baby.  They don't understand that I would do anything, ANYTHING, to provide my child the best and safest environment possible.

I'm one of the women who know how fragile how life is.  I'm one of the women who know what a miracle a child is.  I may have my take home baby, but I will never forget the sting of infertility.  I'll never forget the fight that I went through to have my baby.

What A Difference A Year Makes

One year ago today, Drew and I drove back to the clinic in Chicago to do a frozen embryo transfer.  We were both still emotionally beat up from the miscarriage, but we knew that we couldn't sit and dwell on what we had lost.  Specifically, I couldn't sit and dwell on the loss.  I was so sick and tired of playing the infertility game and letting endometriosis ruin my life.

One year ago today, we took a leap of faith and tried to get our take home baby.  A child that we longed for more than anything.

A year ago, we put our faith and trust in God.

What a difference a year makes!

It's Never Too Late

I had grand plans of doing a blog post at the first of year, like everyone does, and talking about what happened last year and what I want to achieve this year.  However, that post didn't happen when I wanted it to.  Better late than never, right.

Last year was filled with lots of ups and downs.  Infertility treatments dominated a lot of our thoughts.  Just when we thought that we had won over the IF devil, reality smacked me in the face and we were left to pick up the pieces of our broken hearts and mourn the loss of a baby.  However, I'm not one to stay down for long, and we quickly tried again.  Thankfully, that baby has proven to be our sticky baby and she is currently kicking away.  (She has a tendency to do that when I sit scrunched up, as if to tell me that I'm cramping her space.)

I also launched my photography business, Tania Beth Photography.  My website is in desperate need of updating, and that is definitely part of my goals.

We have been blessed that Drew has the job that he does.  He brings home a great paycheck and enjoys the work.  He works long hours, which we both dislike at times, but we know that it's not forever.

So, what are our plans for the upcoming year?  Well, we are so excited that we will be adding a daughter to our family.  We are so anxiously awaiting her arrival, just not too soon!  Our lives are going to change more than we can even imagine at this point.  And, we're excited for it!

We also plan on really focusing and working on our finances.  We plan on paying off some bills and bulking up our savings account.  We have some good foundations laid, we just need to stick to the plan.

We also have a bunch of home improvement projects that we want to do this year, both inside and outside. We've sort of dubbed this year "The Year of the Outside" since we haven't done a whole lot of work to the outside of the house.  Our house has wood siding that is in desperate need of repair and painting.  That will probably be our big project for the year.  I can't tell you how excited I will be drive to drive up to a newly painted house.

WTF Appointment

Drew and I had a follow up appointment with the RE this afternoon.  We were originally scheduled to go next week, but they had a cancellation, so we jumped on it and met with him today.  Basically, he doesn't really know what went wrong.  It could have had to do with the cramping that I had, could have been a chromosomal issue, could have been an immunity issue, could have been an infection.  He said that the fact that I did get pregnant this time helps to narrow it down a little.

They took some blood and are going to run some tests on it to see if anything comes back.  Those results will help to figure out what we'll do from here. 

As far as what we're going to do, that's still undecided at the moment.  We'll move on, when we feel ready.

My heart hurts.  I just want to cry all the time.  I'm angry that my body did this and has caused me more heartache.  I'm still waiting to miscarry, so it doesn't feel real.  I don't know how to shake this feeling and I feel like I've lost all sense of security.  I never, ever imagined that we would suffer through a miscarriage.  I guess I thought that God would see how much we have struggled to get pregnant and would bless us with a healthy pregnancy.  God has other plans though apparently.

I feel like I'm constantly lying to people.  "I'm fine."  Lie.  "I'm great."  Lie.  "I know that we'll be successful."  Lie.  "It helps to hear that people have had success."  Lie.  "I'll be ok."  Lie.

Truth is, I'm not ok, I'm not fine, I don't know that we'll be able to bring home a healthy baby, other people's stories don't affect mine, and I don't know when I'll feel better again.  Truth is, I put a mask on for everybody and never let people see my real emotions.  I tell everybody that I'm ok because I don't know what else to say.  I don't know how to tell somebody that my heart is crushed into a million pieces and I don't know how to pick them up.

"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle; I just wish He didn't trust me so much." -- Mother Teresa

I'm PUPO

PUPO means Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!  Big update below:

 
And, since I know you're all dying to see Maya, here's a picture of her.

I'll try to take some better pictures of her soon and get them posted.

Socks, Egg Retrieval, and Shots, Oh My!

I was involved in a lucky sock exchange on a message board that I chat on.  I received my socks last week and absolutely love them!

As soon as I saw them, I knew that I was going to wear the pair on the left to the ER and the pair on the right to the ET since they say "Happy Socks" and I'm going to be happy to (hopefully) be getting pregnant that day.

Yesterday was ER day.  I woke up bright and early since we had to be at the clinic at 8 AM.  The clinic is in Chicago, so we knew we needed to leave by about 6 AM.  Getting to the clinic was a breeze and there was no traffic to deal with at all.  Of course, it probably helped that it was Saturday. 

When we arrived at the clinic, we got called back right away.  They had a room for me with this sign on the door.

As soon as we got in the room, I got changed in the gown and my lucky socks.  The nurse took care of some paperwook and the anesthesiologist came in and started my IV.  I had to empty my bladder (twice) and then I went back to the room where they did the ER.  It was freezing in there!  As I was laying in there, one of the nurses asked if it was my first time.  I told her yes, and then asked if it was hers.  We both laughed and she said no.  Phew!!  She told me that she hopes that this is my first and only time.  So do I!  As I was laying there, I was kind of nervous and I was shaking really bad.  The anesthesiologist was standing by my head and he told me to just take deep breaths and he rubbed my head.  Awww!

The doctor came in and verified my name and birth date, and then the anesthesiologist put the drugs to put me to sleep in my IV.  I will never understand how that stuff works so quick.  One second I'm laying there awake and coherent, and the next second I wake up and everything is over.  I don't even remember feeling tired and closing my eyes. 

When I woke up, I was back in my room and Drew was there.  He said that the whole thing only took about 10 minutes.  I guess that the anesthesiologist wheeled me back to the room and I kept asking them to take pictures of my socks!  Drew said I asked like 10 times for them to take pictures of my socks.  I'm mortified!  I don't remember this at all.  I even prayed on the way to the clinic that I wouldn't word vomit as I was waking up.  Fail!

I looked a little rough when I eventually woke up, but I was coherent and in good spirits.  Thumbs up to feeling pretty ok.  They had put some water and crackers in the room for me for when I woke up.  I drank some water since the nurse told me that I had to pee before I could leave.  I felt pretty good, just crampy.  I told the nurse that I wanted to use the bathroom, basically because I really just wanted to go home.  She grabbed my IV bag and told me not to flush the toilet because she had to check when I got done.  Um, gross!  I don't know what she was looking for, but I guess she saw it, because she told me that she could take my IV out and that I could get dressed. 

They told us as we were leaving that they got 13 eggs.  The also told us that they would call us the next day with the fertilization report.

When we got home, I spent the majority of the afternoon laying on the couch and sleeping.  I had to go take Rachel's prom pictures, and was not feeling very good at all.  Somehow I made it through and immediately came home and camped out on the couch again.

I'm on an antibiotic and I need to, of course, take it with food.  So, it was time to take my dose last night and I opened up the fridge to find something to eat.  A hot dog sounded semi-decent, so I started cooking it up.  As soon as it got done, I took my pill and sat down to eat.  I got about half way through and knew that it wasn't a good idea anymore.  I sure did get sick and threw it up.  Gross!

After I felt a little better, it was time for Drew to give me my PIO shot.  I, honestly, was terrified.  The needle is huge!  I'll have to take a picture to compare the needle from the Ganirelix (tiny) and the needle from the PIO (huge).  I worried for nothing!

First, let me back up and talk about my trigger shot on Thursday.  That needle was the biggest that we had done so far, so I was a little worried.  And Drew had to give it to me in my butt cheek.  At first, I went to lean over the kitchen counter because I wanted something to support me.  Drew tried to stick me and didn't do it hard enough, so it just poked me and hurt.  So, he tried it again, and still didn't break the skin!  I was in a little pain at this point, and slightly annoyed, so I went to go lay flat on the couch.  Thankfully, the third try, he broke skin and gave me the shot.  So, that's why I was a little worried about the PIO last night.

Thankfully, Drew had perfected his sticking skills and he managed to break skin the first try and it didn't even hurt at all.  Of course, my muscle is really sore today and it hurts to sit. 

The clinic called me this morning with the fertilization report.  Out of the 13 egg, 7 were mature, and 5 fertilized!  They are going to call us again tomorrow to let us know how they are growing.

It's a Go

I had my final monitoring appointment this morning.


I just can't believe that we're at this point.  It's surreal.  I'm going to (hopefully) have babies growing in just a few days.

Monitored

This morning was my first monitoring ultrasound.  The RE said that everything looks great and that I'm supposed to continue what I've been doing.  I go back in on Thursday for another monitoring ultrasound.  Based on that ultrasound, we will make plans for the egg retrieval.  As of right now, we're still scheduled for Saturday, but that could go forward or back a day.

Yesterday and today have been a little rough.  I'm starting to feel kinda crappy.  When I told the RE about some of the side effects, he told me that it's just because of all of the hormones and that it's to be expected.

I need to vent a little bit about my RE's office.  I hate, hate, hate feeling like my questions aren't valid or that I'm stressing because I'm asking questions.  I get so nervous to ask them any type of question because they act like I shouldn't be worrying about it.  I'm not going back to the ob/gyn that I used to go to because of this.  I totally understand that these people do treatments with patients everyday, but I don't.  This is my first rodeo, and I want to be hand held for the first time.  I want to know everything that is going on.  I want to know how many follicles I have and how big they are.  And I want them to answer my question and take some time to talk to me.  I hate feeling like a freaking number in their assembly line of patients.  It's frustrating, and I'm frustrated about it.

Thankfully, I know some ladies who have been through this and can help to answer my questions.  Thanks girls!!!

Alllll By Myseeeelf

Drew got called out of town for work, so I'm on my own for a couple of days.  He's going to California, Hawaii, Japan, Kurdistan (?), Germany, Canada, Kentucky, Texas, and back home.  Basically, he's flying around the world in 4 days.  He's scheduled to be back Tuesday.

Here's another vlog (Are you guys liking these?) updating on how the injections are going.


Monday is my first ultrasound.  I'm hoping for some good follicle growth news. 

Baby Makin' in a Box

I had the biggest headache of my life yesterday trying to get all of my medication ordered for this IVF cycle.  The nurse called me in the morning to let me know that everything was a go, and that she ordered my meds.  Shortly after that, the pharmacy called me to let me know what meds and how much it was going to cost.  The cost, of course, came to a lot more than I thought it should have come to.  After spending a good portion of the morning on the phone with people, Drew and I had called the necessary people and were just waiting for calls back.  Of course, those calls didn't come until about 6:15 PM.  The total they told me in the morning was right, for the most part, so they ran my debit card.

Declined!

Of course.  The card has a daily limit on it, and so I needed to call and have the limit removed for the day.  However, we're big idiots, and bank at a small, local bank, and they were closed.  They don't even have an after hours number to call so that I could raise my limit.  Ok, no problem, I'll just transfer some money around online and use a different card.  Except that even the online banking is apparently closed after hours and I couldn't even transfer money.  Are you freaking kidding me!!!

So, I had to put some of the balance on a credit card (Grrrrrr!!!!!) and they overnighted my meds to me.

They arrived here this morning.  Before you watch, just know that my husband is never allowed to operate the camera with my nice lens on it again.  Big dummy didn't realize that he could focus it, so practically the entire video is blurry.  Amateur!


(Did I mention that I'm sorry that it's blurry?  Because I am!)

All of my medications for display.  I was actually expecting more, honestly.

The nurse called me back earlier this afternoon and let me know that she wanted me to start injections today.  Drew and I headed into the office so that she could give us a lesson on the injections, and so I could get my calender of dates.

I started 200 iu Follistim injection this afternoon.  I continue with 200 iu daily until Saturday.  On Saturday, I will still continue the 200 iu of Follistim, but I will also add in an injection of Ganirelix and Estradiol (oral pill).  I have my first ultrasound scheduled for Monday, May 16.  The nurse said that I will probably have an ultrasound on Monday and Thursday.  I have a tentative egg retrieval (ER) of Saturday, May 21 and a tentative embryo transfer (ET) of Thursday, May 26. 

Drew and I did the first injection earlier this afternoon.  I got the pen prepped and Drew administered it.  It actually wasn't awful.  The needle is pretty tiny.  It burned slightly as he was injecting the medication, and afterwards, the injection site was a little itchy and burny.  After a few minutes, it went away and I feel totally fine now.  Let's just hope that they all go that well and that I continue to feel fine.

And So It Begins

I decided to shake things up around here a little bit and do a vlog.  Enjoy!!

Slight Delay

My BFF (my period) decided to make an appearance on Tuesday.  I called my RE's office to let the nurse know.  She told me that she didn't have the results of my biopsy yet, but that we could go ahead and get started on the meds for IVF if we wanted to.

Drew and I talked about it, and we decided that we're going to wait and start next month.  We have a wedding to attend next weekend, and I have a baby shower the next day, and I don't know how the meds are going to make me feel.  So now, I just have to hope and wish and pray that the days fall nicely so that I don't miss my sister's Prom and their graduation.

I did get the results of my biopsy today, and they are positive, which is good, that's what we wanted.

I'm feeling a little nervous about this.  I feel like I'm putting all of my eggs in one basket.  I have looked forward to doing IVF ever since my OB/GYN told me that I would need IVF in order to get pregnant.  So why is it that now that it's almost here, I'm terrified?

I'm scared of it not working.  I'm scared that I will have gone this far and take a whole bunch of medicine and something will go wrong in the process and we won't even get to the point where we can transfer an embryo.  I'm terrified that we will be able to transfer an embryo and that it won't stick, or that I'll miscarry.  I just don't know if my heart can take that.

What I do know though, is that I wouldn't be ok with not trying.  As scared as I am of everything to come, I'm more scared of what would happen if we didn't try.  I think that I'm just scared of the unknown right now, and how much unknown there is in this.

Mortified

I had my uterine lining biopsy today and it was awful.  Just plain awful!  Let's start at the beginning, shall we.

Like an idiot, I didn't take any tylenol or anything before my appointment.  This shall now be known as "mistake #1".  Drew and I were called back into the exam and I undressed.  The RE came in and began the procedure.  First, he swabbed my cervix with some iodine stuff.  Not bad, I just felt a little poking around, nothing bad at all.  Then, he used a tool that sort of resembled what he uses to do the IUIs.  He inserted it and I felt a little cramping.  I was just trying to breathe through the whole thing.  Then, the RE mumbles something to the nurse, who was holding my hand, and she lets go and grabs something out of the cabinet.  It's a package and it sure looked like some long bladed scissors.  Drew later confirmed this.  RE then inserts the new tool and HOLY HELL THAT FREAKING HURTS!!!!!  And cramps!!!!  Nurse tells me that it's almost over and so I lay there and wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Lying liar!  It was at least another 30 seconds or so before it was over, and when you're in pain, 30 seconds is a long time.  The RE put the specimen in a container that the nurse was holding and I can see a few small flecks in there.  I then heard him say that it was probably enough.  Good thing, doc, because you certainly weren't going to go back in for Round 2!!

The RE removed all of his fun tools and the nurse told me to just lay there for a minute until the pain goes away.  As I laid there, she told me that my results would be back on Tuesday or Wednesday.  I asked her what I do if my period shows up before then and she said that it shouldn't, but to call her if it does.  I was still pretty crampy at this point, but I really wanted to go home and take some tylenol and lay on the couch.  So, I start to get up and get dressed.  This shall now be known as "mistake #2".  Once dressed, the nurse walked us out to the area of the office where you make your next appointment.  I started to feel very warm and very light-headed, so I told Drew that I needed to sit down.  Everybody starts to go into panic mode and the nurse gets me some water.  Then, I said that I felt like I was going to throw up.  I really didn't want to throw up.  I willed myself not to throw up.  It didn't matter.  I threw up.  In the middle of the office, I threw up.

I. was. mortified.

I felt a lot better after that.  After laying there for a few minutes, I put my jacket on and Drew helped me to the car.  The entire time I'm walking out of that office, I'm just apologizing profusely.  I was so embarrassed, but the nurse just kept reassuring me that it was okay.

We came home, I took some Aleve, ate some banana bread, and promptly fell asleep.

At this point, all I can say, is that those darn results better come back okay.  I'm certainly not going through that again!

If You Have Hope

Tonight, Drew and I were out running errands and I was starving.  We stopped into Panda Express to grab a quick dinner.  The fortune cookie is my favorite part of the meal.  I don't usually put a lot of faith in what they say, but this one caught my eye.

L-O-V-E!!!!

I love when I get a fortune that I can actually apply to my life.  I have hope that I WILL get pregnant, and that I WILL be a mother, and that it WILL be soon.

It is so easy to get down during this process.  Every month, when that stupid pee stick only has one line, a little bit of hope goes out the window.  After months and months of that, it's hard to have hope at all.  This message is exactly what I needed to keep my hope alive.