Monday, June 13, 2011

WTF Appointment

Drew and I had a follow up appointment with the RE this afternoon.  We were originally scheduled to go next week, but they had a cancellation, so we jumped on it and met with him today.  Basically, he doesn't really know what went wrong.  It could have had to do with the cramping that I had, could have been a chromosomal issue, could have been an immunity issue, could have been an infection.  He said that the fact that I did get pregnant this time helps to narrow it down a little.

They took some blood and are going to run some tests on it to see if anything comes back.  Those results will help to figure out what we'll do from here. 

As far as what we're going to do, that's still undecided at the moment.  We'll move on, when we feel ready.

My heart hurts.  I just want to cry all the time.  I'm angry that my body did this and has caused me more heartache.  I'm still waiting to miscarry, so it doesn't feel real.  I don't know how to shake this feeling and I feel like I've lost all sense of security.  I never, ever imagined that we would suffer through a miscarriage.  I guess I thought that God would see how much we have struggled to get pregnant and would bless us with a healthy pregnancy.  God has other plans though apparently.

I feel like I'm constantly lying to people.  "I'm fine."  Lie.  "I'm great."  Lie.  "I know that we'll be successful."  Lie.  "It helps to hear that people have had success."  Lie.  "I'll be ok."  Lie.

Truth is, I'm not ok, I'm not fine, I don't know that we'll be able to bring home a healthy baby, other people's stories don't affect mine, and I don't know when I'll feel better again.  Truth is, I put a mask on for everybody and never let people see my real emotions.  I tell everybody that I'm ok because I don't know what else to say.  I don't know how to tell somebody that my heart is crushed into a million pieces and I don't know how to pick them up.

"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle; I just wish He didn't trust me so much." -- Mother Teresa

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