Being Vulnerable

I'm going to open up and be vulnerable, which is pretty rare for me to do, and I've certainly never really done it here.

I really wish that I had a best friend.  A best girl friend.  A friend that I could call up and talk to about anything and everything.  A friend that, while she has her own life, would make time for me on a regular basis.  A friend that cared about me just as much as I cared about them.  A friend who would celebrate joys with me, and cry tears with me, and laugh together until our sides ached.  A friend who could understand that sometimes I have bad days too, and need someone to talk to about it.  A friend who I could make memories with.  A friend who would trust me with all her secrets, and let me confide mine in her.  A friend who understands that they just have to be themselves, and lets me be myself.  A friend who doesn't have to impress me.

I have really been struggling the past couple of weeks.  I feel so lonely lately.  In fact, I feel even lonelier now that Annelise is here than I did before she was born.  I used to be such a homebody, and perfectly ok with that.  Now?  I find any excuse I can to get out of the house.  Even if it's just Annelise and me running to Sam's Club for some diapers.  It helps to break up the monotony of the day.

Don't get me wrong, I have friends.  I just don't have a best friend.  I don't have a close girl friend.  It takes a lot for me to open up and trust people, and I keep myself pretty guarded.  When I was dating my ex, his mom and I got into a huge fight one day.  She said to me, "People don't really like you, they just tolerate you".  Ever since that day, I built a wall around myself and it's very hard for me not to shield myself around people.  I don't know if she meant what she said or not, but it was said.  So, there must have been some truth to it.  And it hurt.  And it still hurts and it's been years, probably around seven years.  I probably come across as stuck up to people because it's hard for me to open up.  I've tried very hard to open myself back up, but it's such a struggle for me.  I'm so self-conscious.

I blogged yesterday about the Proverbs 31 Bible study that I'm participating in.  I'm praying that God makes me a better person.  I'm hoping that this will help.