Broken Down

Soooo. . . . .
I had a monitoring ultrasound this morning.  It wasn't good.  First off, let me just say that I have felt like death since Saturday.  Everyday has been filled with headaches, dizziness, hot flashes, nausea, and to top it all off, I was spotting last night and this morning.  I have never spotted mid-cycle, ever!  I have never felt this crappy taking the Clomid.

I was really looking forward to my appointment this morning so that I could tell them about how I've been feeling.  I assumed that I was overstimulated and that's why I was feeling so crappy.  That's couldn't be farther from the truth.  I only have one measurable follicle, and a bunch of little ones.  My doctor came in to talk to me and he said that I'm not feeling crappy from the medicine and he thinks that I've responded so poorly because I've felt so crappy.  He says that my body has no interest in getting pregnant when I feel this way.  Then he told me that he thinks I'm suffering from the flu.  What a quack!  Does he honestly mean to tell me that I've been suffering from flu-like symptoms since Saturday without actually coming down with the flu. 

So, they did the trigger shot and Drew and I are just going to have some fun on our own.  Doc doesn't think it's worth it to do the IUI.  He says that it's not impossible to get pregnant, but from the sound of it, he's not holding his breath.  I'm still going to take all of the hormones.  I know that it only takes one egg and one sperm, so I'm trying to be optimistic.  We have also decided that we'll probably take next month off from the meds.  Although, if I get a negative test in a couple of weeks, I may ask them if I can take a different kind of medicine (Femara) that doesn't have the side effects that Clomid does.

I just feel defeated.  I'm obviously upset.  I try so hard not to be bitter towards people who are pregnant or have babies, but it's hard.  God knows how badly I want to be a mother, and I'm having a difficult time trying to put my trust in Him.  I feel forgotten about.  I feel like everybody else gets to live my dream and there is nothing that I can do but change my dreams.  What makes this even harder is that nobody close to me understands what I'm going through.  I have no close friends that I can talk to about this.  And I need somebody to talk to.  I need a shoulder to cry on.