Do You Remember Me?

I know that it's been eerily quiet around these parts.  Our computer broke last week, and we only had the old computer to use until we got a new hard drive into the computer, and the old computer is pretty ancient and slow.  We got the new hard drive installed last night, so we're back up and running. 

Our basement remodel was almost done, until we decided to remodel the bathroom that is down there too.  That means that we (and by we, I mean Drew) has two weeks to complete a bathroom remodel.  We bought new tile for the floor, paint, a new vanity, mirror, and light fixture.  The bathtub and toilet are in good shape, so there's no work that needs to be done there.  I'll have to take some pictures in the next couple of days and post the progress that's been made.  I am very happy with how the basement is turning out!

Don't forget to send me any questions that you've been dying to ask me.  I've got a couple and I'll do a post in a few days.  Now that I have the computer back. 

You Ask, I'll Tell

Since I'm in need of something to distract me for a little while, let's do something fun.  How about we do some Q&A here?  Does that sound fun?  So, if you have any questions, anything at all, feel free to ask in the comments, or send me an email at tshott08@gmail.com. 

I'll answer the questions in another post, or, since everyone seems to like them, I just might do a vlog or two.

WTF Appointment

Drew and I had a follow up appointment with the RE this afternoon.  We were originally scheduled to go next week, but they had a cancellation, so we jumped on it and met with him today.  Basically, he doesn't really know what went wrong.  It could have had to do with the cramping that I had, could have been a chromosomal issue, could have been an immunity issue, could have been an infection.  He said that the fact that I did get pregnant this time helps to narrow it down a little.

They took some blood and are going to run some tests on it to see if anything comes back.  Those results will help to figure out what we'll do from here. 

As far as what we're going to do, that's still undecided at the moment.  We'll move on, when we feel ready.

My heart hurts.  I just want to cry all the time.  I'm angry that my body did this and has caused me more heartache.  I'm still waiting to miscarry, so it doesn't feel real.  I don't know how to shake this feeling and I feel like I've lost all sense of security.  I never, ever imagined that we would suffer through a miscarriage.  I guess I thought that God would see how much we have struggled to get pregnant and would bless us with a healthy pregnancy.  God has other plans though apparently.

I feel like I'm constantly lying to people.  "I'm fine."  Lie.  "I'm great."  Lie.  "I know that we'll be successful."  Lie.  "It helps to hear that people have had success."  Lie.  "I'll be ok."  Lie.

Truth is, I'm not ok, I'm not fine, I don't know that we'll be able to bring home a healthy baby, other people's stories don't affect mine, and I don't know when I'll feel better again.  Truth is, I put a mask on for everybody and never let people see my real emotions.  I tell everybody that I'm ok because I don't know what else to say.  I don't know how to tell somebody that my heart is crushed into a million pieces and I don't know how to pick them up.

"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle; I just wish He didn't trust me so much." -- Mother Teresa

The Hardest Post I Will Ever Write

I finally got a call back from the RE's office on Wednesday morning.  The news wasn't so great.  My beta had gone up, but it had only gone up to 21.8, from 15.8 on Friday.  They immediately started me on Lovenox injections that would hopefully help the blood flow issue that I was having.  My estrogen and progesterone levels were great, according to the nurse.

I went back in this morning for another blood draw and got the call a few hours later that my beta had dropped down to 7.  I'm going to miscarry.  I'm going to lose my baby.

Basically, I'm numb.  It was hard enough for me to finally get pregnant, it wasn't supposed to be hard for me to stay pregnant.  I know that life isn't fair, but this really and truly isn't fair at all.  I really just don't know what to say right now.

I want to thank each and every one of you who left a congratulatory comment.  They mean so much to me!

Just Add It To The List

I was supposed to get a phone call this afternoon from my RE office after I went in this morning for my next blood draw to get my beta number.  Guess who didn't call? 

Yeah.  Them!

After (im)patiently waiting all afternoon, I called the office at 3:20 PM, since I knew that they closed at 3:30 PM, and the receptionist lady told me that they were calling people with test results and that if I didn't hear from them that afternoon, that I would hear from them in the morning.

Excuse me??

Of all the test results for them to not call me back about, they choose this one.  To say that I'm pissed is an understatement.  I think it's absolutely ridiculous that they didn't call me.  I'm trying to be really nice and friendly about all the things that are starting to bother me about that office, but it's getting difficult.  I really feel like a number in their assembly line of patients, and if it weren't for the frozen embryos that we have with them, I'd fire them and find a new RE.

AND. . . I find it just hilarious that they are very quick to tell me to not stress and take it easy.  Well, guess what idiots?  If you were to have some consideration for me, your patient, the person paying your bills and providing you a paycheck, perhaps I wouldn't be so stressed or worried about things.

Am I or Aren't I?

What do you think?  Am I pregnant, or not?  Watch to find out.

Dream, Please DON'T Come True!

I really don't dream a whole lot.  Or, at least, I don't remember them if I do.  But lately?  Oh my goodness, my dreams have been off the wall.  And they are very vivid when I wake up.

Last night I dreamt that I woke up in a hospital after being in a coma for 6 months.  As if that wasn't already weird enough, there was a baby next to me.  My baby.  My, obviously, preemie baby.

Apparently, I was raped, and got pregnant, and so I decided that I was going to go beat the guy who did it.  Except that he beat the snot out of me first, putting me in the coma.  When I woke up and got out the hospital, which happened right away, everybody that Drew and I know were getting ready for a wedding.  A bunch of our friends were in the dream, and Maya was there, and she was grown.

Isn't that a crazy dream to have?  I mean, who dreams stuff like that?  Crazy people like me, that's who!