30 Days of Thanks - Day 6

A pair of shoes

Ok, so I'm going to cheat because what I'm thankful for isn't exactly shoes.  They are my slippers!

I LIVE in my slippers.  I mean, if I'm not wearing shoes or in the shower, my slippers are on my feet.  In fact, I take my slippers with me when we go on trips.  There is nothing better than slipping my feet into the warm, cushiony goodness that is my slippers.  And getting a brand new pair of slippers is the best thing ever because then they are extra cushiony.  Seriously, I am so thankful for my slippers!

30 Days of Thanks - Day 5

A place

I'm going to be clique and say that the place that I am most thankful for is our home.

It still needs some work, but we have come a long way into making this house our home.  I love having a place to call our own.  We don't plan on staying here forever, but while we are here, we love it.

I am so thankful that God showed this house to us.  We definitely bought it at the right time, and I'm hoping that with the TLC that we're putting into, we'll be able to sell it easily.

I'm incredibly thankful that we have a house to bring our baby home to.  I know that there is nothing wrong with having a baby in an apartment, but, do you know the amount of stuff that you need for a baby?  I'm thankful that we don't have to try and cram all of that stuff in our old apartment!

30 Days of Thanks - Day 4

A favorite snack

Honestly, at this point in my pregnancy, any snack that sounds good and stays down is my favorite snack.  I am eating constantly and I am so thankful that, for the most part, food sounds appealing again.

I have had a tendency to go through phases with food.  In the beginning, grapes were my favorite.  Then, it was graham crackers.

Now?

Hot Tamales are my current obsession.  I have gone through so many boxes of these in the past few weeks.

I'm also loving a big glass of cold milk now.  Seriously, my mouth waters thinking about it.  It's weird because I've never been a big milk drinker.  But, I'm loving it right now.

30 Days of Thanks - Days 1,2,3

I know that I've mentioned Lindsay from Designer Wife over here before.  Well, she is doing a 30 Days of Thanks on her blog, and I've decided to join in too.  Since I'm late to the game, I have a little catching up to do. 

Day 1 - A person

Well, who else am I going to pick besides my husband?  Seriously though, he's pretty amazing in my book.  I am so thankful that we met and fell in love and that he asked me to spend the rest of his life with him.  We have been through the good times, the bad times, for richer, for poorer, sickness, and health.  And he has been unconditionally supportive through everything.

I love that man with my whole heart and I thank God every day that he brought Drew into my life.

Day 2 - An animal

Now that we have three pets in our family, my favorite will always be my first.  Simon.

He is such a great cat.  He snuggles occasionally and always looks so cute when he's sleeping curled up on the bed.  He hates Maya with a passion, and I'm scared about how he's going to act when the baby comes along, but at the end of the day, he loves me to pieces and I know it.

Day 3 - A cozy place in your home

I guess that the coziest place that I can think of right now is our bed.  I cherish the days when Drew is off work and we can fall asleep together.  We don't do too much snuggling anymore due to my pregnancy pillow, but it's comforting just to know that he's there.

19 Weeks: First Outside Kicks

Just for good measure, here is my 18 week picture that we took before we left for dinner last week.

I waited until today, 19w1d to take my picture because I knew that there would be a change.

My hair is gone, I hacked it!  That's probably about the most noticeable change.  Otherwise, the ol' bump is looking about the same.  The baby is the size of a mango this week.

Big news in this update!  First, our crib has arrived!!  It's sitting in our dining room, just waiting for the nursery to be cleaned out and painted.  It's so weird to walk by the dining room and see the huge box that the crib is in.  I just can't believe we have a crib in our house.

The other big news?  Well, I was sitting on the floor Tuesday night, playing on the computer, and I could feel the baby start a dance party in my belly.  So, I randomly decided to put my hand down there to see if I could feel anything, and I DID!!!!  I couldn't believe it.  It is the weirdest feeling.  The kicks and punches and movements have definitely gotten stronger in the couple weeks since I've started feeling them.  I am so thankful for this!  Drew was even able to put his hand on my belly this morning and feel a small kick/punch.

We have purchased and installed the closet organizer in the nursery.  The system came without instructions, which made for a fun project for Drew and his dad.  It looks great though, and I can't wait to have little baby clothes hanging in there!

Everything else is sort of at a stand still until we find out the sex.  I have absolutely no idea what to do in the nursery, and won't be able to decide anything until we know what our little bambino is.  We really haven't talked about names much.  Basically, I'm just anxious to know the sex so that we can start making some more decisions.  We find out in exactly two weeks.

Three Years

Three years ago, Drew and I stood in front of each other and promised forever together. 

It's amazing to think about how far we've come and what we've been through in three years.  We've moved out of our apartment and bought a house, we've done numerous renovations to said house, gone on a couple of trips, we've been through hell and back with fertility treatments and a miscarriage, and now we're expecting our first child.  It's so surreal.

We don't have any plans tonight since Drew has to work, but we are planning on going out to dinner tomorrow night.  We haven't been to a sit down restaurant in months (totally my fault) and I know that Drew is very excited!

I am looking forward to celebrating many, many more anniversaries together!

Checking on Baby

I had my 2nd OB appointment today.  Honestly, nothing huge, but I want to blog about it so that I can remember it.

My doctor confirmed my due date to be March 28, 2012.  When he measured my belly, he said that I am measuring 16 weeks. 

We also had some discussions about prenatal vitamins.  They gave me some new ones at my last appointment because they said that the ones that I was taking weren't good enough.  So, I took the new ones for a handful of days and they made me so nauseous.  I stopped taking them and went back to my old ones.  I'm strongly convinced that it's the iron in them making me sick.  Well, turns out I'm anemic now that I'm pregnant, which they said sometimes happens in pregnancy.  So, I really need to take a vitamin with iron in it.  They gave me a couple of new ones to try.  We'll see what happens with those.

I also got a flu shot.  The CDC highly recommends that pregnant women and their spouses get flu shots.  Drew refused.  I'm pretty sure that the nurse was having a race to see how quickly she could plunge the stuff into me.  It burned a lot, and now my arm is pretty sore.

We listened to the baby's heartbeat and it was in the 150s.  Dr. M says that means a girl.  We have the anatomy scan ultrasound at our next appointment on November 17th.  I just can't wait to find out if we will be having a son or a daughter. 

17 Weeks: First Baby Purchase

I have a little catching up to do since I missed an update for weeks 15 and 16.  I'm not going to make any promises, but I really hope not to miss any more weeks.  The baby is the size of an onion this week.

I think that I'm beginning to sprout a little bump.  It's a little more noticeable bare belly.  My pre-pregnancy pants are starting to get uncomfortable.  I've had some minor meltdowns trying to find maternity jeans.  The smallest size that any particular store carries is sooooo long and sooooo big!  I could practically fit another person in there with me.

Drew and I went to the Huntley Outlet Mall to go to the Motherhood Maternity outlet on Sunday.  I was able to find a pair of jeans that weren't too horrible, but, of course, they didn't have my size.  I tried on a "long" pair and I really needed a "regular" pair.  They were able to order them for me and have them shipped to me.  Of course, once they got here, they were not like how they were in the store.  They feel like they are way bigger than what they were at the store.  I'm seriously at my wits end with maternity jeans!

We have made our first baby purchase!  Drew and I went to Babies R Us a few weeks ago to begin looking for cribs, and we fell in love with one.  I swear I heard choir angels sing when I saw it!  Well, apparently a ton of other people love that particular too, because were so back ordered that BRU couldn't even order it from the manufacturer.  No big deal, we thought.  I was only 10 weeks at the time.  There was still plenty of time to order a crib.  Long about week 15, we went back to the store to see if there was another crib that I could love as much.  There wasn't.  I wanted that one.  We asked about the crib again and they were still unable to order it.  The lady that we talked to let us know that I could leave my name and number and they would call me if the crib became available.  On Thursday, the 13th, BRU called me to let me know that the crib was available!  Cue "Hallelujah" chorus.  We went into the store that day to order it and now we're just waiting for it to arrive.

It was so surreal to be sitting in that store and ordering a crib.  A crib for our baby.  I would have been sobbing if I hadn't been so excited.

Physically, I'm feeling pretty good.  I've been sleeping with my Snoogle and I definitely think that it helps me sleep better.  I wake up about twice a night to go pee, which isn't too awful.  I miss sleeping all the way through the night though.  I'm basically back to my pre-pregnancy weight.  I lost 5 or 6 pounds from being so sick in the first trimester.

I'm also pretty sure that I've been feeling the baby move this past week.  It feels like bubbles popping.  So cool!

14 Weeks: No Bump Changes

I'm pretty sure that nothing has really changed in the ol' bump department from last week.  Baby is the size of a lemon this week.

My boobs have probably gotten bigger, but I think that's it.  Speaking of boobs, those suckers are out of control.  And yes, I'm actually talking about my boobs right now.  I just can't imagine how much larger they are going to get, and I'm really scared about when my milk comes in.  I bought new bras a couple of weeks ago, and I went up 2 cup sizes.  Unbelievable.

I've started having some headaches this past week.  I got my first one the other night and thought I would go to bed and sleep it away.  I woke up in the middle of the night when Drew got home and my head was still pounding.  I broke down and took some Tylenol so I could sleep.  I got another headache in the middle of the night last night.  It's lasted pretty much all day.  It hasn't been awful, but it's still not pleasant.  I know that it's safe for me to take Tylenol, but I still feel guilty about it.

I thought I was feeling so much better and that I was over the whole puking thing, but then I puked the other night.  We stopped and got Taco Johns for dinner and I think it was the tortilla that made me sick.  I've had a problem with tacos before and white bread.  Must be the type of flour or something.  So, I'm back to being cautious about food again.  And, I'm back to the whole "I'm hungry but absolutely nothing on this planet sounds good" kick.  It's so frustrating.  I know that I need to eat, but it's so hard to eat if nothing sounds good.

I have my first OB appointment on Friday.  We also have Josh and Angie's wedding this weekend.

13 Weeks: Goodbye First Tri

I have officially left the first trimester with my entry into 13 weeks. 

I went to the RE's office yesterday for another blood work appointment to check my hormone levels.  Everything looks great and I can stay off of all of the meds that I was on.  At one point I was taking Anaprox morning, afternoon and night, Estradiol morning and night, Divigel morning and night, progesterone suppositories morning and night, Prometrium afternoon, and my prenatal vitamins at night.  That is a lot of medication to be taking.  Thankfully, I was able to stop everything last week, and since everything still looks great, I'm officially finished.

However, that also means that I am done with appointments at the RE.  It's bittersweet really.  I have spent so much time there that it's weird to not have an appointment next week.  Or for a long time for that matter.  We won't be going back until we do our next FET.  And that's going to be at least a year after this little one is born.  We will be stopping in to show off the babe though.

And, I should share some of the best news that I have heard during this whole process, besides when I was told that I was pregnant.  I had to decide on a new OBGYN when I got pregnant since I don't want to return to the one that I was seeing before I started going to the RE.

I should point out that I had a bleeding scare a few weeks ago on a Friday night.  Of course, it was really late and when I called the RE's office, I got their after hours line.  I guess my RE was out of town, so I was connected with an on call OB.  The OB was very nice and reassured me that everything was ok and there wasn't any reason to be concerned.  The OB even called me the next day to check up on me.  I mean, how sweet and caring is that?  Not too many doctors do that.  Well, at least none of the doctors that I've had.

So, I decided to pick that OB.  In my back of my mind, I had a concern though.  The doctor's name is the only one listed for the practice.  So, what happens if I go into labor and he's on vacation?  Do I just get Joe Blow whom I've never met delivering my baby.  Nope!  The doctor who covers the OB that I've chosen?  My RE!!!

How freakin' awesome is that?!?!?!!!

I seriously felt the weight of the world lift from my shoulders when I heard that.  So, it may not be the last time I see the RE; he may be there to deliver the baby.

Nothing much has changed from last week in terms of symptoms.  I still have my good and bad days with the morning sickness, still get RLP (round ligament pain), still sore occasionally.

I did cry over some french fries today.  After Maya's training class, we stopped by a local pizza place and then went to Drew's parent's house.  The pizza just wasn't that appetizing to me.  I asked Drew if we could stop at Burger King and get some french fries on the way home.  It was about 9 PM when we got there.  I got my fries, took one bite, and they sucked!  I could tell they were old.  So, Drew drove back around and asked if we could get some fresh fries.  4 minutes later, we were on our way.  I had about 4 fries and Drew looked over at me to find me bawling.  They just weren't as good as I pictured them in my head.  I was so over something sounding good in my head only to taste like crap when I finally got it.  And I just lost it.  I bawled all the way home.  I mean, seriously sobbed.  And Drew?  Well, he just laughed at me.  I looked at him at one point and told him that I couldn't believe I was crying over french fries.  I'm a hot mess!

Explaining Myself

I guess that I have some explaining to do, don't I?

I am 12w2d pregnant today, so just coming up on the end of the third month and the first trimester.  I've done a little lying around these parts.  When I posted about our WTF appointment with the RE, I said that we were going to move on when we were ready.  Well, truth is, I told the RE that I wanted to move on right away.  I asked him when we could pursue a frozen embryo transfer (FET) and he said that we could do it as soon as I was ready.  I told him that I was ready right away.  I didn't want to sit and dwell on what I had lost and the fact that I wasn't pregnant.  I told him that I was sick of playing the infertility game and that all I wanted was a successful pregnancy and to bring a baby home.  He said that we could start the process as soon as I started my cycle.  I began to bleed a few days after that.

The beauty about doing a FET cycle, is that you can basically decide when you want to do the transfer.  Well, we knew that we were hosting Wes' first birthday party, and that we were planning a trip to Florida, so we scheduled the transfer for the Monday after the party and we left for vacation that Thursday.  The timing worked out perfect.  After doing a transfer, the RE likes to have you on bed rest for 2 days.  So, we did the transfer and I was on bed rest for Monday and Tuesday, we spent Wednesday packing and getting ready to leave, and then we went and spent a long weekend relaxing on the beach.  It was perfect timing. 

We also kept this a secret from everyone.  The pressure that I felt last time was horrible.  Everybody knew when I had my beta and were chomping at the bit to know if I was pregnant or not.  Drew and I barely had time to process the news ourselves before we had to tell everybody else.  So this time?  We left everyone else out of the equation.  Much less stress!

When did we find out I was pregnant?  Well, that's a funny story.  Drew and I were in Florida on our vacation.  We flew out of the Rockford airport for this trip (Seriously, words can not describe how much I loved flying out of there.) and our flight wasn't until early Tuesday morning.  The friends we were in Florida with, dropped us off at the hotel we were staying at in Orlando on Monday afternoon.  So, Drew and I were there, without a car, for the night.  Fortunately, we were within walking distance of a Walmart, so I, quite literally, begged him to walk to Walmart to get a pregnancy test.  We picked up some dinner at Subway, and came back to the hotel room.  I went straight into the bathroom.  I wasn't even done peeing or wiping before the 2nd line appeared.  And it was DARK!!!  I squealed.  I jumped up and down.  I was elated!  And Drew couldn't wipe the smile from his face either. 

My first beta was on Wednesday, July 20 and it came back at 311!!!  If you remember my first beta the last time was 15, this one was way better!  I couldn't help but feel optimistic at this point, but I knew that the important thing was to have the number double by the next beta, which was Friday, July 22.  That one came back at 784!!!  I was officially pregnant!  My first ultrasound was scheduled for Wednesday, August 10 and I would be 7 weeks.

I was so nervous when that day arrived.  All I wanted was to see a healthy baby and to hear a heartbeat.  God heard my prayers because we saw one beautiful little blob with a heartbeat of 132bpm.  I cried.  There is no sweeter sound than hearing that heartbeat.  My next ultrasound was scheduled for 12 weeks.

I have been consistently going in for blood work to monitor my hormone levels.  After my blood work appointment at 10 weeks, the nurse could tell that I was nervous and anxious about the baby.  She scheduled me to come in the next day, on Wednesday, August 31, at exactly 10 weeks to check on the baby.

The picture from the ultrasound is the one that I posted to share our surprise.  Baby looked great and had a heartbeat of 184bpm. 

As for me, I've been feeling awful!  My first pregnancy symptom started at 4w5d with some very unpleasant diarrhea.  Everybody said it was normal.  Morning sickness started at 5w4d.  And it started with a vengeance.  I was horribly sick for about 2 weeks.  I barely ate and puked a lot.  After about 2 weeks, I started to get a grasp of it.  I could eat a little better, but I was still pretty touch and go.  Now?  I still have my good and bad days.  At this point, I eat what sounds good.  If it doesn't sound good, I don't force it.  I've learned my lesson about that.  I eat ALL.THE.TIME.  Seriously.  It's quite annoying.  Lately, I feel very sick if I let myself get even a little bit hungry.  So, if you see me somewhere, know that I most definitely have snacks with me. 

Other than the morning sickness, I feel kinda achy at times.  There are some mornings where my back and neck and shoulders are very sore when I wake, and other mornings where I feel pretty good.  I have starting having some pain in my ribs.  I notice it mainly when I first wake up and it seems to lessen as the day goes on.  I have also had a lot of round ligament pain.  That hasn't been pleasant.

I really don't have a bump or anything as of yet.  I'm a little bloated, but it's gone down in the past week or so.

So, that's the whole story.  I am so happy that it's out in the open and I can start blogging about everything.  I apologize for the lack of content around here lately.  I couldn't blog about the pregnancy and I really wasn't doing much else besides hanging around the house because of the morning sickness. 

Surprise!

EDD - March 28, 2012

I'm Alive, No Worries

I haven't blogged in, oh, just about forever.  Truth is, I've been really sick.  I just can't shake it.  So, I've been spending the majority of my time on the couch.  Thankfully, it's been pretty nice here weatherwise, so Maya has spent a lot of time outdoors.

Speaking of Maya, I took her to her first training class yesterday.  She did amazingly well.  When Drew went to sign her up for classes, he was going to sign her up for the puppy class.  When the people there found out her breed and that she knew a few commands, they put her in the Beginner 1 class.  When I showed up last night, the trainer gave me the side eye for having her in that class since she is two months younger than what she should be for the class.  She was one of the better dogs in the class, so that made me a very proud mama.

There was one dog in class named Mojo, which made me giggle.  And then his owner told us the story behind his name.  He's named for Missouri Joplin because he was a rescue dog from the tornado.  Apparently he wandered the streets for a couple of weeks before being rescued.  He was very malnourished and this guy has cared her back to health.  Cue tears. 

Family Reunion

Today, Drew and I drove to Crystal Lake for the annual beach day/family reunion for Drew's side of the family.  We were all supposed to meet at 10 AM, but the rain forced us to move our meeting time back to 1 PM.  Thankfully, the rain left us and we had a beautiful day.

After everybody had eaten and play a little bit, I decided to start taking some photos.  This is Rhett with George (I think.  I have all of the aunt/uncles and cousins down, it's the 2nd cousins that still confuse me.  Drew's dad's side of the family is LARGE and I still think they all need name tags).  Poor little guy was all sorts of tuckered out from swimming.

Great minds think alike!  This is Carrie.  Her and her husband, Stephen, live in the DC area.  We just found out today that they are expecting their first child in January.  And, as if that wasn't exciting enough news, Stephen's job is sending them to Bangkok in a year for a few years.  Amazing!

Jerrad's daughter, Beatrice is the newest member of the W clan.  She is a beauty!

This is Annie, Rhett and Katy's newest addition.  She is stunning!

Drew's cousin, Luke, and his family are back here visiting from where they live in Zambia.  They have lived there for quite a few years now.  I met them for the first time before Drew and I got married.  They are doing missions work there.  Luke has the biggest heart for God.  He prayed over Drew and I before we left.  I think that it's so powerful to watch the way God speaks through him.

Every time that I leave after spending time with Drew's family, I feel so blessed and thankful for the family that I have married in to. 

You Ask, I'll Tell - Answers

Dana's Blog - Sweeping Through Life

Sarah's Blog - Better Together

E-Mealz

Back To Reality

Drew and I recently got back from a vacation on Hutchinson Island, Florida.  Drew's grandma has a cottage down there and was kind enough to let us use it.  I think I only took about 6 pictures while we were there.  I know -- unreal, right?  We spent a lot of time at the beach and the pool and it was just the right kind of vacation that I needed after the miscarriage. 

I have a few things to catch up on around here over the next few days.  I'll do a vlog tomorrow answering the questions that were asked.  So, last chance to ask me anything to answer.

How's the weather been around here?  Basically, it's hotter than hell.  It's hotter here than it was in Florida.  We're talking temps in the 90s with heat indices in the 110s and greater.  I can't say when exactly the heat started, but it's been going on for quite a few days.  I'm not complaining because I would rather have this over the cold any day.  And I know that winter is going to come way too soon.

Speaking of that. . . .  Can you believe that we're more than halfway through July already?  I think that time is constantly speeding up.

Wesley's First Birthday

Our house was the location for our nephew's first birthday party today.  He finished the basement just in time to set up for the party and have everybody over.

I started by taking a few shots of the inside decorations.

This is Kristen and Jessica, who are cousins.  Kristen and her daughter, Madison, were our first guests in our brand new guest room. 

Drew was "volunteered" to be the griller. 

4 generation picture.  The woman in the yellow is Drew's mom's sister.

The birthday boy with his parents.

Another 4 generation picture.

Cake time!!!  Jess ordered a 10 inch cake for Wes' smash cake, not fully realizing how big a 10 inch cake is.  That sucker was huge!!

He was so not impressed!!!

There's a smile for me!!

His dad, Eric, was so sweet and smeared Wesley's hand all over his face.  Wes was such a trooper.

After everybody ate cake, it was time for presents.  Wes was very excited for the paper.

This was our present to Drew and I bought it, not just because I figured that Wes would love it, but because I knew that Jess would just love to pick up all of those balls.  "It's 100 more!!!!!!!"

Kristen and Jessica came up with this idea to put all of the balloons around a chair to take a picture of Wes.  Wes was not very stoked about it at first.

We finally got a smile out of him though.  What a cutie!

We had such a great time opening up our home for Wesley's party and having so many family and friends over.  Wes was so good.  I can't believe that he's going to be one soon.  Time flies!

Family on the 4th

My sister-in-law, Jess, her husband, Eric, and our nephew, Wes, are in town for a week (!!) for their summer visit.  They arrived from GA late Saturday, but due to us having chores to do around the house to get ready for Wes' birthday party this coming Saturday, today was the first day that we got to spend a good chunk of time with them.  They came over to our house, along with Drew's parents and grandma, to grill out and spend the day together.

We grilled a great lunch of hamburgers, brats, a hotdog for me, corn on the cob, potato salad, chips, and seasoned oyster crackers. 

Here's Jess and Wesley watching the domino game after lunch.

We almost always play dominos anytime we spend time with Drew's grandma and parents.

I'm pretty sure that Debbie won, but I wasn't following the game too closely.

While the game was going on, Jess took Wes into the yard to visit with the dogs.

Wes really seemed to like Maya and Maya seemed to do pretty good with the baby.

I love having family over!  This was the perfect way to spend the 4th of July.

Do You Remember Me?

I know that it's been eerily quiet around these parts.  Our computer broke last week, and we only had the old computer to use until we got a new hard drive into the computer, and the old computer is pretty ancient and slow.  We got the new hard drive installed last night, so we're back up and running. 

Our basement remodel was almost done, until we decided to remodel the bathroom that is down there too.  That means that we (and by we, I mean Drew) has two weeks to complete a bathroom remodel.  We bought new tile for the floor, paint, a new vanity, mirror, and light fixture.  The bathtub and toilet are in good shape, so there's no work that needs to be done there.  I'll have to take some pictures in the next couple of days and post the progress that's been made.  I am very happy with how the basement is turning out!

Don't forget to send me any questions that you've been dying to ask me.  I've got a couple and I'll do a post in a few days.  Now that I have the computer back. 

You Ask, I'll Tell

Since I'm in need of something to distract me for a little while, let's do something fun.  How about we do some Q&A here?  Does that sound fun?  So, if you have any questions, anything at all, feel free to ask in the comments, or send me an email at tshott08@gmail.com. 

I'll answer the questions in another post, or, since everyone seems to like them, I just might do a vlog or two.

WTF Appointment

Drew and I had a follow up appointment with the RE this afternoon.  We were originally scheduled to go next week, but they had a cancellation, so we jumped on it and met with him today.  Basically, he doesn't really know what went wrong.  It could have had to do with the cramping that I had, could have been a chromosomal issue, could have been an immunity issue, could have been an infection.  He said that the fact that I did get pregnant this time helps to narrow it down a little.

They took some blood and are going to run some tests on it to see if anything comes back.  Those results will help to figure out what we'll do from here. 

As far as what we're going to do, that's still undecided at the moment.  We'll move on, when we feel ready.

My heart hurts.  I just want to cry all the time.  I'm angry that my body did this and has caused me more heartache.  I'm still waiting to miscarry, so it doesn't feel real.  I don't know how to shake this feeling and I feel like I've lost all sense of security.  I never, ever imagined that we would suffer through a miscarriage.  I guess I thought that God would see how much we have struggled to get pregnant and would bless us with a healthy pregnancy.  God has other plans though apparently.

I feel like I'm constantly lying to people.  "I'm fine."  Lie.  "I'm great."  Lie.  "I know that we'll be successful."  Lie.  "It helps to hear that people have had success."  Lie.  "I'll be ok."  Lie.

Truth is, I'm not ok, I'm not fine, I don't know that we'll be able to bring home a healthy baby, other people's stories don't affect mine, and I don't know when I'll feel better again.  Truth is, I put a mask on for everybody and never let people see my real emotions.  I tell everybody that I'm ok because I don't know what else to say.  I don't know how to tell somebody that my heart is crushed into a million pieces and I don't know how to pick them up.

"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle; I just wish He didn't trust me so much." -- Mother Teresa

The Hardest Post I Will Ever Write

I finally got a call back from the RE's office on Wednesday morning.  The news wasn't so great.  My beta had gone up, but it had only gone up to 21.8, from 15.8 on Friday.  They immediately started me on Lovenox injections that would hopefully help the blood flow issue that I was having.  My estrogen and progesterone levels were great, according to the nurse.

I went back in this morning for another blood draw and got the call a few hours later that my beta had dropped down to 7.  I'm going to miscarry.  I'm going to lose my baby.

Basically, I'm numb.  It was hard enough for me to finally get pregnant, it wasn't supposed to be hard for me to stay pregnant.  I know that life isn't fair, but this really and truly isn't fair at all.  I really just don't know what to say right now.

I want to thank each and every one of you who left a congratulatory comment.  They mean so much to me!

Just Add It To The List

I was supposed to get a phone call this afternoon from my RE office after I went in this morning for my next blood draw to get my beta number.  Guess who didn't call? 

Yeah.  Them!

After (im)patiently waiting all afternoon, I called the office at 3:20 PM, since I knew that they closed at 3:30 PM, and the receptionist lady told me that they were calling people with test results and that if I didn't hear from them that afternoon, that I would hear from them in the morning.

Excuse me??

Of all the test results for them to not call me back about, they choose this one.  To say that I'm pissed is an understatement.  I think it's absolutely ridiculous that they didn't call me.  I'm trying to be really nice and friendly about all the things that are starting to bother me about that office, but it's getting difficult.  I really feel like a number in their assembly line of patients, and if it weren't for the frozen embryos that we have with them, I'd fire them and find a new RE.

AND. . . I find it just hilarious that they are very quick to tell me to not stress and take it easy.  Well, guess what idiots?  If you were to have some consideration for me, your patient, the person paying your bills and providing you a paycheck, perhaps I wouldn't be so stressed or worried about things.

Am I or Aren't I?

What do you think?  Am I pregnant, or not?  Watch to find out.

Dream, Please DON'T Come True!

I really don't dream a whole lot.  Or, at least, I don't remember them if I do.  But lately?  Oh my goodness, my dreams have been off the wall.  And they are very vivid when I wake up.

Last night I dreamt that I woke up in a hospital after being in a coma for 6 months.  As if that wasn't already weird enough, there was a baby next to me.  My baby.  My, obviously, preemie baby.

Apparently, I was raped, and got pregnant, and so I decided that I was going to go beat the guy who did it.  Except that he beat the snot out of me first, putting me in the coma.  When I woke up and got out the hospital, which happened right away, everybody that Drew and I know were getting ready for a wedding.  A bunch of our friends were in the dream, and Maya was there, and she was grown.

Isn't that a crazy dream to have?  I mean, who dreams stuff like that?  Crazy people like me, that's who!