Cycle Games

I had mentioned previously that Drew and I have decided that we are ready to expand our family again, and add another child.  If you remember, we still have two frozen embryos waiting patiently for us.  We started trying on our own right around Annelise's first birthday.  I knew that I didn't want to get pregnant before she was a year old, and I honestly wasn't even really ready to think about it until around then.  Plus, the nurse practitioner at my OB's office said that it was best to give my body a year of time to heal.  And, if we're continuing on all the reasons why I really wanted to wait, it was important to me to breastfeed for at least a year and I didn't want to compromise that by getting pregnant again.

I have been charting my cycles since the beginning of the year, and I am beyond frustrated with my body at this point.  I'm not going super crazy charting like I did when I first started charting back in 2010.  Then, I tracked my temperature, used OPKs, and tried to make a note of my CM.  This time, I'm keeping an eye on my CM, and if the mood strikes me, I'll occasionally test an OPK.  Some months get more OPK action than others.  Mainly, I'm frustrated with the length of each cycle.  I keep bouncing around from 26 days to 30 days to 36 days back to 28 days, and everything in between!

This cycle?  26 days!  I never even felt a cramp or like I was going to get my period at all.  It just showed up out of the blue, completely ruining the plans that I had to go to the beach.  Like all, "Hey, let me ruin your life one more time".

How the heck can I expect to make a baby, if I can't even make a semi-educated guess as to when I'm going to ovulate?  And with a 26 day cycle, something is seriously messed up in the ovulation department.  Either I'm ovulating super early, or my luteal phase is all sorts of messed up.  If it's my luteal phase, that leads to a whole other level of problems that need to be addressed.

I keep wondering if I should call my RE and talk to him about my super wonky cycles.  I had a consultation with him back in June about getting the ball rolling on our next frozen transfer.  He told me that since it's been more than 18 months since I've been there, we have to redo all of our initial blood work, and I have to have a Saline Infusion Sonogram (SIS) done.  That is done to check my uterus for any polyps, parts of placenta that might be leftover, or any other crap that may have surfaced since my last pregnancy that would be bad news for a new pregnancy.  I'm not stoked about having to do all of that over again, but I can't argue.  And, I'm pretty sure that if I call him and talk to him about my cycles, that he's just going to say that there's nothing he can do without doing blood work first.

Drew and I have a high deductible insurance plan, so rather than having to pay the deductible twice, assuming that the thaw and transfer is successful, we just planned on waiting until January to start all of the testing.  Hence, us trying on our own.  I really don't put my hopes too high on it, because it didn't work for us for the year and a half that we tried before doing IVF.  But, I still pray about it.  And, I guess that I'm lying when I say that I don't get my hopes up too high, because I still cry every month when my period arrives, just like before.  Ahhhh, nothing like infertility to make you feel broken and worthless.

But, there is a small bit of good news in all of this.  I have been relatively pain free since my periods have returned after giving birth.  I consistently take pain meds in the morning and before bed for the first couple of days, and I always have the heating pad close by in case I start to feel bad.  But, it has been managed very well, and I haven't felt too hindered by it.  I do notice that they are usually pretty heavy, and that's also related to the endometriosis.  It's definitely a relief to not have the pain that I used to experience.

National Infertility Awareness Week

This past week was National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).  I've been struggling with whether I wanted to write something about it or not.  You see, to most people, I have a child and therefore I've beaten infertility.  While that is correct, there is still a lot more to it.  I may have finally gotten my miracle in my snowbaby daughter, the big question now is, "What next?"

Drew has always said to me that he wants five children.  I don't know if he says that to make my eyeballs bug out of my head, or if he actually does want five kids.  But I do know that he would like more than one.  I always said that I wanted two or three children.  I understand that it's all up to God and He gets to decide how many children we are blessed with.  I would like to have more though.  So, the big question remains.  Am I still infertile?  Or am I now considered fertile since I have a child?

I think that the definition can vary for different people.  I was infertile because of my endometriosis.  There are many other reasons that a person can be infertile, and there is also unexplained infertility.  It's a very complicated matter!  I was told prior to getting pregnant that I had a good chance of my endometriosis going away, or at the very least stop growing while I was pregnant.  Unfortunately, my endo did not go away while I was pregnant.  Now that my periods have returned, I still have the same pain.  Bummer!  Since the pain has come back and I know that my endo is still there, the big question remains.  Will I ever be able to get pregnant on my own?

Frankly, I don't know.  Drew and I decided that we are going to give it a try.  We aren't in the position at this moment to do another frozen transfer, so we certainly aren't hurting anything by trying again.  I can tell you this though, all of those old infertile feelings of insecurity and pain have definitely resurfaced.  I think that once you struggle with infertility, it's something that stays with you for your entire life.  I will never forget all of the pain and tears and struggles of the long year and a half that we struggled to conceive.  To me, I don't think that I belong in the fertile category now.  I still have endometriosis, which put me in the infertile category.  I think that I won the battle at the time of infertility, but I still think that infertility is a war that is made up of a bunch of battles.  Infertiles battle with their own feelings of inadequacy every day.  While some may have their children, it's still not easy to see others achieve that dream so easily.

I was always very open with my infertility journey.  I wanted to be a voice for those struggling in silence.  Did you know that 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility?  Chances are someone you know has suffered or is suffering.  I will continue to be a voice for those who suffer.  Just because I may have a child, doesn't mean that I'm cured, or that I've forgotten where I was.

What A Difference A Year Makes

One year ago today, Drew and I drove back to the clinic in Chicago to do a frozen embryo transfer.  We were both still emotionally beat up from the miscarriage, but we knew that we couldn't sit and dwell on what we had lost.  Specifically, I couldn't sit and dwell on the loss.  I was so sick and tired of playing the infertility game and letting endometriosis ruin my life.

One year ago today, we took a leap of faith and tried to get our take home baby.  A child that we longed for more than anything.

A year ago, we put our faith and trust in God.

What a difference a year makes!

To Blog or Not To Blog

You have no idea the internal struggle that has been going on in my head for the past few days.  No idea!  Let's start at the beginning.  Because that's a very good place to start.

My unmedicated cycle came to an end (surprise, surprise) on Saturday with the start of my period.  Drew asked me to chart for the cycle, and I obliged, so I knew that good ol' Aunt Flo would be making her appearance on Saturday.  When I woke up in the morning and saw my temperature, I showered, threw on some comfy clothes, grabbed the heating pad, and parked my booty on the couch.  And there I stayed.  Heating pad in place.  Just waiting.  And waiting.  And waiting.  And waiting.

Well, I waited all day.  AF arrived in the afternoon, and I waited.  But nothing came.  No pain.  None whatsoever.  Bedtime came, so I packed up my little sicky camp and went to bed, with the heating pad still in place.

I slept pretty well all night, and when Sunday morning afternoon arrived, I woke up curious.  No pain.  None whatsoever.  I was baffled.  What the heck was going on?  I mean, I wasn't going to complain that I wasn't in pain, but it just didn't make sense.  I figured it wouldn't be long, so I parked my booty back on the couch and put the heating pad right where it belonged. 

Evening came and nothing.  Night came and nothing. 

Today is day 3 and I have been pain free this cycle.  It's a miracle.  An unbelievably miracle.  I don't know if God decided to spare me a little bit after the hell that I went through last month, but I'll take it.

So, back to my struggle.  I've started another cycle on Saturday, but I keep having debates about whether or not I want to blog about it.  On one hand, I want to be able to remember this time in my life.  That way when our future child acts like a royal pain, I can prove to them how much we fought and longed for them to join us.  On the other hand, ya'll, it broke my heart to have to put into writing that I wasn't pregnant after my first IUI. 

I probably will continue to blog about what is going on with my treatments, because, first and foremost, this is my blog for me.  You are more than welcome to come with me on this journey, in fact, the more the merrier.  Let's beat this crappy thing called infertility!

Let's Get This Show on the Road

We are finally able to make some progress with the fertility treatments. I started a new cycle yesterday and immediately called the RE.

I am starting out by taking Estradiol today and tomorrow. According to the nurse, this will help prolong my cycle hormonally. I'm assuming that this is due to the days that my cycle is falling on. I start Clomid on Saturday. The doctor has decided to start me out at 100mg. I was actually a little shocked when I found out that I would not be starting at the normal 50mg like most people. The nurse said that the doctor wants to start me at the higher dosage because of the endo and because I've never been pregnant before. I will take Clomid for 5 days. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Monday, November 22. If everything looks ok, and I'm praying that it does, the office will do a trigger shot so that I will ovulate. My IUI is tentatively scheduled for Tuesday, November 23.

I am so anxious. I am praying so hard that this is it, that this is the cycle that I get pregnant.

Forming A Game Plan

Today, Drew and I went to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist. The man who's, hopefully, going to help me get pregnant. Well, along with my husband, right? Haha!

Anyway, we had our first consultation with him. We sat and talked with him for an hour and a half and formed a plan on how we're going to attack this infertility issue. Obviously, our goal is for me to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and deliver a healthy baby.

We all know how a baby gets made right? Well, the ovary releases an egg. Then, the fallopian acts like a sort of vaccuum to suck up the egg. The egg then gets fertilized by the sperm in the tube. It travels through the tube and implants in the uterus. Life has started.

Well, for me, when the tube acts like a vaccuum sucking up the egg, it also sucks up a whole bunch of other gunk (like endo), which acts like "battery acid" to the sperm. Once the sperm hits it, it kills it, giving it no chance to fertilize the egg.

There are 5 levels of aggression when it comes to trying to make a baby.

• Level 0 is no contraception. That could take a couple up to 2 years to conceive.
• Level 1 is Well Timed Sexual Intercourse. This is using charting and/or ovulation predictor kits to time sex around fertile periods. This will take a couple up to 1 year to conceive.
• Level 2 is using fertility meds to increase the number of eggs that are released and using WTSI. This will take anywhere from 6-8 months.
• Level 3 is allowing the body to release one egg, but doing an IUI. An IUI is an Interuterine Insemination. This is injecting the sperm into the uterus so that the sperm has less that they have to swim. This will take about 5-6 months to conceive.
• Level 4 is using fertility meds to increase the number of eggs that are released and an IUI. This will take 3-4 months to conceive.
• Level 5 is In-Vitro Fertilization. IVF is taking my eggs and Drew's sperm and fertilizing the egg outside of the body. Then, transferring embryos to my uterus and praying feverishly that at least one sticks. This will typically take a couple 1-2 months to conceive.

I told the doctor that my choice was Level 5. No questions asked. Let's get this done, Doc! Ahhhh, but life can't be so easy. You see, the insurance company has to approve such a procedure. And obviously, IVF is quite a costly procedure. So, insurance companies like to see at least a couple tries with IUIs.

Are you asking the same question I did? "But Doc, if my tubes are like battery acid to the sperm, what's the point? Won't that just be a waste of time and money?" Apparently they don't look at it that way.

So, our game plan. Drew will be doing a semen analysis (S/A). I have to do Day 2 bloodwork. Then, when those results come back, he will decide if he wants to do an SIS or an HSG on me. Basically, those are just looking inside my uterus to see if there are any abnormalities. If there are, I will be scheduled to have a hysterescopy to remove them. After all of that, we will then strategize whether we doing Level 4 or Level 5.

Crushed

I had an appointment with my OB/GYN today. I wanted to discuss with her my charts and why she thinks I'm not pregnant yet.

I went in totally prepared. I had lots of questions to ask and I had printed my charts out. And my charts look fabulous, by the way.

Then, she comes in. First, she breaks out the good news.

"Well, from looking at your chart, you're very obviously ovulating."

Thanks Doc! Tell me something I don't know. "So, why do you think is going wrong?"

Then, it happened. She said words that should never, ever be uttered to a woman. She told me that I have a very, very little chance of getting pregnant on my own and that I'll probably have to resort to in-vitro treatments. As in totally skip an IUI.

So, that's it folks. My hopes and dreams have been crushed. I will probably not conceive a child naturally. I have already made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) for August 5th. Please say a prayer for us.

And... I'm really sorry about this, and I may change my mind, but the way that I feel right now is that if Drew and I do have to pursue in-vitro treatments, I'm probably not going to talk about it. We've already been through so much with the endo and infertility, I just can't take anymore. Plus, doing treatments like this open the door for judgments. I do not want to be judged for the choices that Drew and I make. Like I said, I may change my mind, but as I stand right now, this will be a journey that Drew and I take with only our very immediate family members

I Think It May Be Working

Time for another round of cycle talk!

I've been doing acupuncture for about 3 weeks now, twice a week. I am very, VERY happy to report that I'm finishing up my period and I was hardly sick at all. I started my period Wednesday afternoon, and I woke up about 4 AM on Thursday morning with some pain. Drew got me some Tylenol and I laid in bed until the dreaded alarm clock went off.

I was in some pain during the day at work. Morning was difficult, but nothing that I couldn't handle. Once the afternoon rolled around, I wasn't feeling too bad at all. A few sharp stabs of pain here and there, but completely tolerable. I never once felt the need to be confined to the couch writhing in pain, I never once threw up.

Friday dawned and I took some Tylenol again, but mainly to just be on the safe side. I had a little bit of pain, but nothing that I even felt the need to complain about.

I had an appointment with the doctor on Friday morning. He was very, VERY happy to hear about my progress. He adjusted me again, like usual, but this time, he also took me into a room and did some moist heat therapy. After that, he did the acupuncture again. This was the first appointment that Drew was able to go with me. He took a picture so that he could show me what it looks like.

Not gonna lie, I was really amazed! I knew that he put a decent amount of needles in me, but I never really count when he's doing it. I had no idea that there were that many. Plus there were 4 in my head. Oh, and don't worry, he says that the fact that it's all red is very, very good. That means that my body likes it and is needing it.

After he removed the needles, I was trying to hurry up and get dressed because I had to pee really, really bad. I pulled my hand up and noticed that there was a decent amount of blood on it. Not enough to worry me, but enough to know that I needed to figure out where it was coming from before I got it all over everything. I looked at Drew and told him I was bleeding and asked him where it was. He said nowhere. I showed him my hand and told him it was coming from somewhere. He told me nowhere again, so I just figured that I had already wiped it with my hand. Then, I dashed off to the bathroom.

I looked in the mirror and realized where I was bleeding from. MY HEAD!!!! I had a pretty little trail of blood running down from the spot where he had the needle at the top of my head and down my forehead. Awesome! I cleaned up as best I could and then went to find Drew to have him help me finish cleaning my head. I could do nothing but laugh. The doctor said that it happens sometimes. The needle hits a blood vessel and sometimes it bleeds. I'm just glad I saw it before I walked out in public.

So, I'll be continuing the acupuncture. I'm so happy that I felt better this cycle and hope that by next cycle I'm pregnant.

Stuck

After work today, I had my first appointment for acupuncture. When I was doing some research on endometriosis, I found a site that said that acupuncture was recommended for some management of symptoms. I decided to pursue this option. Hey, at this point, I'm willing to try anything to fix me.

When I arrived, the doctor, who is a chiropractor, first did some chiropractic assessments. He soon discovered that my hips are misaligned. He took some pictures of my back and pelvis. When I saw the pictures, I could definitely see that my right hip sits higher than my left hip.

He then put me in another room to do the acupuncture. This appointment was just a first appointment in order to "shock" my nerves, rid my body of toxins, and get ready for more acupuncture. He put a needle in my ankle, knee, wrist, and hand on each of my body, for a total of 8 needles. Completely unpainful. For the most part. My right wrist and hand was a little sensitive, but it was really just an achy feeling. After he inserted the needles, he covered me with a sheet, shut the lights off, and left me alone to relax. I laid in there for about 20 minutes or so.

My next appointment is Monday. Do you want to know what impresses me? He actually called me tonight to check up on me. He told me that he's going to look over my information and write up my reports. How awesome is that? I can't believe he called to check up on me. Nice!

Endometriosis: The [Not So] Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Since I've received an official endometriosis diagnosis and this seems to be something that I will have to live with for a good chunk of time, I thought that I'd put a little information here on my blog. This way, you, my wonderful readers, can learn a little about it.

What Is It?

Endometriosis is a condition where tissue similar to the lining of the uterus is found elsewhere in the body. Endometriosis lesions can be found in the pelvic cavity: on the ovaries, the fallopian tubes, and on the pelvic sidewall. Other locations that are not so common are caecarian section scars, bladder, bowel, intestines, colon, appendix, and rectum. Even rarer, endometriosis can be found inside the vagina, inside the bladder, on the skin, in the lungs, spine, and brain.

What Are Some Symptoms?

The most common symptom of endometriosis is pelvic pain. The pain often correlates to the menstrual cycle, however a woman may also experience pain at other times during her monthly cycle. For many women, the pain of endometriosis can unfortunately be so severe and debilitating that it impacts on her life in significant ways.

Pain may be felt:

• before/during/after menstruation
• during ovulation
• in the bowel during menstruation
• when passing urine
• during or after sexual intercourse
• in the lower back region

Other symptoms may include:

• diarrhoea or constipation (in particular in connection with menstruation)
• abdominal bloating (again, in connection with menstruation)
• heavy or irregular bleeding
• fatigue

Another well known symptom associated with endometriosis is infertility. It is estimated that 30-40% of women with endometriosis are subfertile.

What Causes Endometriosis?

Several different hypotheses have been put forward as to what causes endometriosis. Unfortunately, none of these theories have ever been entirely proven, nor do they fully explain all the mechanisms associated with the development of the disease. Thus, the cause of endometriosis remains unknown. Several theories have become more accepted, and reality is that it may be a combination of factors, which make some women develop endometriosis.

Metaplasia - Metaplasia means to change from one normal type of tissue to another normal type of tissue. Some researchers believe this happens in the embryo, when the uterus is first forming. Others believe that some adult cells retain the ability they had in the embryonic stage to transform into reproductive tissue.

Retrograde menstruation - This theory was promoted by Dr. John Sampson in the 1920s. He surmised that menstrual tissue flows backwards through the fallopian tubes and deposits on the pelvic organs where it seeds and grows.

Genetic predisposition - Studies have shown that first-degree relatives of women with this disease are more likely to develop endometriosis. And when there is a hereditary link, the disease tends to be worse in the next generation.

Lymphatic or vascular distribution - Endometrial fragments may travel through blood vessels or the lymphatic system to other parts of the body. This may explain how endometriosis ends up in distant sites, such as the lung, brain, skin, or eye.

Immune system dysfunctions - Some women with endometriosis appear to display certain immunologic defects of dysfunctions. Whether this is a cause or effect of the disease remains unknown.

Environmental influences - Some studies have pointed to environmental factors as contributors to the development of endometriosis, specifically related to the way toxins in the environment have an effect on the reproductive hormones and immune system response, though this theory has not been proven and remains controversial.

What Are Some Treatments?

Choosing a treatment comes down to the individual woman's needs, depending on her symptoms, her age, and her fertility wishes.

Pain killers, hormonal therapies, surgery, nutritional therapy, and complementary therapies are all ways to help combat symptoms with endometriosis.

All information can be found here.

My Worst Nightmare

It happened. It came back.

The pain, the shakes, the nausea, the vomiting. All of it.

Sunday night I got those intense stomach pains again. Of course, I got sick. And this time, the pain didn't go away. Usually it would kind of come and go in waves. After taking 1000 mg of Tylenol and still being in pain after about an hour and a half, Drew decided that we needed to go to the Emergency Room.

Once there, they started an IV and drew some blood. Then, they gave me something for the nausea and some Tramadol for the pain. They might as well not have even given me the Tramadol because it did absolutely nothing. The doctor came in and told me that my white blood cell count was extremely elevated, which is a sign on infection or inflammation. My count was at 18000 and it usually caps out at 11000 at the highest. They were a little concerned to say the least. The doctor was concerned that it could be my appendix, but wasn't fully convinced because my symptoms weren't classic to appendicitis. The doctor then decided that he wanted to do a pelvic exam. Oh joy!

They asked if I was still in pain, which I was, so they then gave me some Dilaudid. I was loopy and lightheaded before they even pulled the needle out of my IV. However, that took care of the pain.

Then came the pelvic exam. That was awful fun while trying not to pass out. Then, another ultrasound.

Nothing new was found. The doctor said that if I was a male, they could have said that what I was experiencing was appendicitis and gone from there. But since I'm a female and have a uterus and ovaries and all that good junk, they have to rule out problems there first. The doctor suggested that I go back to my OB/GYN the next day and have a follow up with her since the problems were probably associated with my endometriosis.

They prescribed me some Norco (the same stuff I took after my surgery), told me to take 2 as soon as I got them, and sent me home.

When I woke up at 7:30 Monday morning, I took 2 more Norco and went back to sleep for a little bit. I woke up again a little while later, called the doctor, and made an appointment for 1:45 that afternoon. Drew and I eventually got out of bed between 10 and 11 and I went to the couch. I was starving, so decided to snack on some graham crackers. Shortly after that, I began to vomit again. And I could not stop. The time came for us to leave for the doctor's appointment, but Drew called them and told them what was going on with me and they suggested that I just go back to the ER.

So back we went!

It took us 2 hours before we finally got put in a room. Round 2 of IV and lots of fluids and nausea medicine. After the doctor looked at my info from yesterday, he said that he wouldn't be a good doctor if he didn't do a CT scan so he could rule out my appendix. Then began the journey of drinking the nasty dye crap. It wasn't horrible. It was lemonade Crystal light, water, and the dye stuff. I couldn't taste the dye crap, but I'm not a fan of that much lemonade at one time. I don't drink that much liquid in 2 days, let alone 2 hours. I choked down about half of the container and then got frustrated because my stomach was so upset from all of the liquid. They then gave me some Reglan, which the nurse said would help with the full feeling and the nausea.

The CT scan was painless and the results came back that my appendix was fine. They sent me home again and told me to just follow up with my OB/GYN. Two nights in the ER to have absolutely no answers.

I'm frustrated that I'm having these problems again. I'm supposed to be better. My problems were supposed to be fixed after the surgery and taking the birth control. I have an appointment to see the doctor on Monday and hopefully she has some answers.